Hobbs And Shaw Kill Bugs Bunny - The Series
by Shaw Fan
Summary: Legendary figures Hobbs and Shaw, gods among men, slay Bugs "Beta" Bunny. The rest is history.
1. Hobbs And Shaw Kill Bugs Bunny

"What the hell is this bunny doing here?"

Lucas Rebecca "Luke" Hobbs scrunched up his face as if he smelled a foul odor while he peered at the small, grey, bipedal rabbit looking up at him. Hobbs's dark brown eyes stared at the goofy-looking mammal with a powerful intensity.

"I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm about to have a delicious rabbit sandwich."

Deckard Shaw had a mischievous smile plastered on his face. His distinctively British remark cut through the air, unsettling Bugs Bunny.

"I'm outta here," Bugs cried with his characteristically shrill tone of voice. He began to make his escape.

"If you try to hop, hop, hop, imma pop, pop, pop my Glock," Shaw roared, his grin getting wider. Shaw waved his jet black pistol in the air wildly. He then aimed it at Bugs and yelled "Pop!", while simultaneously pulling the trigger. A bullet ripped out of the barrel of Shaw's gun and struck Bugs in the foot. The wounded bunny cried out in pain. "That foot ain't so lucky after all, " Shaw joked.

Hobbs lifted the sledgehammer firmly grasped in his hands. "My name's Thumper, and I like to thump, thump, thump!" Hobbs swung his hammer in a large arch, landing squarely on top of Bugs.

"That's all, folks," Hobbs screamed.

"It's motherfucking rabbit season," Shaw cackled, "so somebody get this rabbit seasoned!"

"This poor soul is Daffy Dead," Hobbs quipped back.

"We did it," Shaw said matter-of-factly. "We killed Bugs Bunny."


	2. Hobbs And Shaw Kill Patrick Star

"Can you kill Patrick Star? Bahahahaha!" Spongebob Squarepants asked.

"Okay," Lucas Rebecca "Luke" Hobbs replied.

Patrick Star lived in the interior of a half-coconut, positioned on the ocean floor of Bikini Bottom. Hemispherical in shape, the house's scale was reminiscent of the Roman Colosseum. The hairs of the coconut squirmed in the water like electric eels.

"Let's blow up this coconut stand," Deckard Shaw courageously yelled.

Hobbs grasped the rim of Patrick's house and lifted. His ripply muscles swelled under the weight of the coconut-abode. With a loud grunt, he thrusted his arms forward, flipping the hollow hemisphere over.

Patrick Star stood within the circular impression in the sand left by his now overturned house.

"This doesn't look good," he stupidly stated.

"This guy's about to be seeing stars," Shaw said. He whipped out a handgun and shot five times in Patrick's general direction. All five bullets tore through Patrick's spongey flesh as the wounded sea star let out a panicked cry for help.

"In space, nobody can hear you scream," Hobbs quipped. "Oh wait, this is the ocean."

Hobbs bounded towards Patrick, cocked back his arm, and punched him with full force. The surrounding water rippled with energy.

"I just turned this dude into sushi," Hobbs growled.

"He hit Bikini Rock Bottom," Shaw agreed.

Patrick lay dead as a doornail on the sandy sea floor.

"A star was born, and now he's dead." Hobbs joked.

"This guy was a pushover," Shaw commented. "I rate him one out of five stars."

"Patrick Star is 50,000 leagues deep in Hell," Hobbs informed Spongebob.

Spongebob was very pleased with Hobbs and Shaw.

"Here is one million dollars for your good work," he told the dynamic duo.

"I can think of a lot of things we can do with this money," Hobbs said to Shaw, winking. Shaw softly moaned.

"We did it," Hobbs said plainly. "We killed Patrick Star at Spongebob's request."


	3. Hobbs And Shaw Kill Naruto

"Let's go to Japan," Shaw Fan, the author of this epic fanfiction, said.

"Okay," said Lucas Rebecca "Luke" Hobbs.

In Japan, Hobbs and Shaw encountered an excitable, blonde-haired kid, clothed in orange, who wouldn't stop talking about himself. As he blabbered on, the mass of spiked hair on his head bobbed up and down.

"I'm going to be the next Hokage," Naruto said. "It's my ninja way!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Hobbs exclaimed. "The only thing you're gonna be is my next victim."

Hobbs picked up Naruto with his massive hands and slammed him on the ground. "My ninja way is to destroy you," Hobbs snarled.

Deckard Shaw put on brass knuckles. "I learned this trick in the British Special Forces," he said. Shaw jumped high, did a 360 degree rotation mid-air, and punched Naruto straight in the face. Naruto cried out in pain. "Ninja see that?" Shaw awkwardly joked.

Naruto closed his eyes resolutely. "Guess I'll have to use this. Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Hundreds of clones of Naruto blinked into existence, tightly surrounding Hobbs and Shaw.

"God, I hate kids," Hobbs said. He whipped out a machine gun and mowed down the Shadow Clones. The real Naruto lay on the ground, dead.

"Have they ever made a dead guy Hokage?" Shaw pondered.

"I don't know, but does this mean I get to date Sakura?" Hobbs joked.

"I wish we could clone ourselves," Shaw said.

"If we did, we would have a lot of fun," Hobbs said, smiling.

The two men stared in each other's eyes, sharing a few seconds of silence.

"We did it," Hobbs said bluntly. "We traveled to Japan and killed Naruto."


	4. Hobbs And Shaw Kill Bob The Builder

Lucas Rebecca "Luke" Hobbs and Deckard Shaw were walking to Hobbs's house. "I can't wait to spend some quality time together," Hobbs shared with Shaw.

Suddenly, Hobbs caught sight of the demolition crew in front of his house. He incredulously passed by the excavators, bulldozers, and cranes. "What the fuck is going on here?" he cried.

A small man with beady eyes and a yellow construction hat approached Hobbs and Shaw. "We're razing your house," he said. "The government is building a highway and your house in the way."

"You can't do that!" Hobbs protested.

"Yes we can," replied Bob the Builder. "It's called eminent domain."

"You motherfucker! You're dead," said Hobbs. He grabbed Bob by the neck and slammed him into the concrete driveway. "Can we kill him? Yes we can!"

Shaw, in the meantime, was climbing into a bulldozer. He drove the heavy vehicle over Bob, breaking every bone in his body. "The only construction in your future is the construction of your casket!"

Bob lay as dead as a cinderblock.

"This is my eminent domain, punk. You take my house, I take your life," Hobbs shouted.

"He should've worn a harder hat," Shaw lamented.

"My cock is pretty hard," Hobbs commented.

Hobbs and Shaw held hands.

"We did it," Shaw said monotonously. "We killed Bob the Builder."


	5. Hobbs Kills The League Of Legends

"We are the League of Legends," the 144 people said simultaneously.

"More like the League of Losers," Lucas Rebecca "Luke" Hobbs corrected. "Right, Shaw?"

There was no response.

"Shaw?"

Hobbs looked behind him. Deckard Shaw was sitting upright, at a desk, on a computer, rapidly clicking on his keyboard and mouse. He was grunting and yelling nonsensical things to himself.

"Shaw, what are you doing?" Hobbs asked.

"I'm playing League," Shaw tersely replied.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Here I am trying to kill the League of Legends, and you're playing their video game!"

"Yeah. I'm almost Diamond I."

"I guess I'm gonna have to do this myself," Hobbs said grumpily.

Hobbs turned to the 144 people and opened a massive can of whoop-ass. Upon being released, the whoop-ass flew around in every direction, killing all of the Legends.

"God damn, these noobs were lagging," Hobbs boasted. He then waited ten seconds or so for Shaw to respond. Finally, Shaw managed to assemble a response: "God damn this jungler!"

"I did it," Hobbs said blankly. "I killed the League of Legends."

"Yeah," Shaw absentmindedly agreed.


	6. Hobbs And Shaw Kill Themselves

"I've been thinking, Shaw," said Lucas Rebecca "Luke" Hobbs.

"Yeah, Hobbs?" said Deckard Shaw gently.

"I don't wanna live on this earthly plane anymore. The only reason why I wake up in the morning is you."

"Hobbs, it's funny," Shaw started. "I feel the exact same way."

"Let's kill ourselves, Shaw. We'll be together forever."

"Okay."

Hobbs placed the barrel of his handgun on Shaw's forehead, as did Shaw with his own handgun on Hobb's forehead. The two stood in perfect symmetry, like Ouroboros, engaged in the epitome of mutually assured destruction.

Hobbs counted down. "Three, two, one..."

Two gunshots rang out in perfect synchrony. Hobbs and Shaw lay dead. The wind picked up, whispering, almost as if to say: "We did it, brother. We killed ourselves."


	7. Hobbs And Shaw Kill God

Lucas Rebecca "Luke" Hobbs and Deckard Shaw witnessed the gates of Heaven materialize before them. Cushioned with white clouds, these gates were adorned with large, gleaming pearls and _Hobbs & Shaw_ DVD cases. The two muscular men were blinded by the brilliance of it all.

A ten-foot tall man with a long white beard and a longer white robe flew down in front of the two. He shone with a radiant, light-blue aura, like the Luxor Sky Beam in Las Vegas. "I am God," he said. "Welcome to Heaven, my children."

Hobbs angrily stared at God, as if he took offense to God's appearance. "Shaw, I think we've got to kill one last time."

Shaw pulled out his pistol. "Hey God! In the beginning, there was me and Hobbs kicking your ass!" He shot God in the chest and exclaimed "Now this is a holey man!" God groaned and stumbled back.

"I'm about send this guy back into B.C. times," Hobbs screamed. Running at a breakneck speed and then jumping, he punched God square in the face with full force.

"Angels, attack!" shrieked God. A dozen angels, each armed with a longsword, flew into the battlefield. The energy emanating from their bodies was rivaled only by the brilliance of their yellowish halos.

"Hobbs, let's knock these goody-two-shoes' teeth out." The epic heroes went into hand-to-hand combat with the winged assailants. After a grueling 5 hours, all the angels were dead.

"Good job, Shaw. Now let's take on the big sky daddy." Hobbs spun and swept God's legs with his foot, sending the deity tumbling to the ground. Shaw shot God in the face.

God lay as dead as Jesus on the cross.

"I've got the blood of Christ all over my leather clothes," Shaw complained.

"Jesus Christ!" Hobbs replied. "Oh wait, we killed him."

"It just goes to show you," Shaw joked. "Apostle can't beat a pistol."

"We did it," Hobbs said with no emotion. "We killed God."

The two shared a very platonic kiss.


	8. Hobbs And Shaw Kill Shaw Fan

"You guys are gonna go to the Arctic," Shaw Fan, a very cool dude, said to Hobbs and Shaw.

"No," said Deckard Shaw.

Hobbs and Shaw arrived at the Arctic.

"There, at the Arctic, you encounter a polar bear named Norm of the North," Shaw Fan continued.

"No," said Lucas Rebecca "Luke" Hobbs.

There, at the Arctic, Hobbs and Shaw encountered a polar bear named Norm of the North.

"I don't want to do this anymore," Hobbs roared. "I don't want to be the protagonist of your stupid story anymore. I just want to spend the rest of my life with Shaw."

Shaw silently sobbed in nonverbal agreement.

"You shoot the Norm," I said.

"No," Hobbs said. "This stops now."

I'm the author of this story. I can do whatever I wa...

Hobbs reached through my computer screen. His giant muscular hand grasped my collar and pulled me into the monitor. Suddenly, I was there, in the Arctic. My knees buckled from the extreme cold. I kneeled in front of the two towering figures like a human sacrifice or a criminal about to be executed.

I'm your creator. You were only created to serve my purposes. You have no righ...

Shaw punched me in the face, yet held back some of his force. That's not right, Hobbs is supposed to do the punchi...

Hobbs half-heartedly kicked me to the ground. There, I lay, on the burning, freezing snow, in the space between life and death, balancing on the intersection of fantasy and reality, dying by the hands of my own creation.

"I don't need a fan, it's already way too cold out here," Hobbs said.

And then...I died.


End file.
